Still Broken

Hey Dad,

It’s been a hot minute.

I thought I was doing better. I’ve been really trying to focus on myself, spending time with my family, and doing things that help my mental state. All the things you said I should be doing, right? It seemed to work? Maybe it was just a bandaid? I thought the pain would go away, or at least maybe slightly subside. Yes, I’m functional where it counts. I’m just still.really.broken.

I think about calling you on my way home from work. Then I think about calling your phone just to hear your voice recording. I search for videos of you. I look at pictures of you. I share stories of you and fond memories I have with the kids. I cry, a lot.

I wasn’t ready for you to leave. Maybe I never was going to be ready. I just wish we had more time.

I’m as social as ever. I think that was something you were proud of, so no worries. I’ve still got that trait. I’m just different on the inside.

I really miss you. I struggle with it. I still believe you’ll appear somehow, somewhere. I search for symbols or signs that you’re visiting me. A random display on a truck while heading into work with your initials emblemed on the side? A random song that you and I used to sing-a-long to? Random cardinal sightings? I’m not sure, but those moments help. They help me believe that you’re never really too far away.

Your birthday is coming. Do you get to celebrate with Jesus now? 🙂

143. -CJ

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